Communication Problems
by LadyOfGlass
Summary: In which Bifur's far from coherent speech proves to be a bit of a set-back. One-shot. Set during the third film.


**Author's Note: This is a very short story I wrote...because...it feels odd not to post things regularly. Which is probably the worst possible reasons to write anything. I'm working on a longer story about Fili, but this idea was bugging me, so I wrote it down.**

** This takes place while the Company are camped out on the side of the Lonely Mountain, and it's more or less a scene from the book done with the movie's characters.**

** Er...I hope you like it...**

Now, if there is a rule book out there called 'How To Steal From Dragons'. which for all I know, there might be, there might be an excerpt that looks something like this:

_If you do manage to enter a dragon's lair and make it back out again without being burnt into a crunchy crisp, do not pick up a nice little jeweled goblet from the aforementioned dragon's hoard to take back to your companions as proof that you have indeed found the treasure. Yes, they might be convinced and may even applaud your bravery and expertise as a burglar, but if the dragon happens to wake up and notice the cup's absence, then your chances of survival are very, very slim._

It's a pity that Bilbo Baggins never read such a book, really...

"Is it just me," said Kili, in the sort of tone that people use when they know that it isn't just them "Or is it getting windy up here?"

And it was. The Company had made two camps upon reaching the mountain - one on the ledge where the secret passage had been found and one on a ridge much lower down, where they'd left the ponies and two dwarves to watch them.

Not Kili and Fili, however. No, they had a distinctly bad record when it came to pony watching. They were on the upper ledge with the rest of the company, being treated to a marvelous view of, well, The Desolation of Smaug.

The weather had been quite nice in the last few days, but now the wind was definitely picking up, making the dwarves' beards whip around in rather undignified ways, and threatening to knock Bilbo straight over, until he was forced to grab onto a rocky outcropping to keep his balance.

"I'd say that yes, it's rather brisk," said Dori, raising his voice to be heard over the howling of the wind.

"Brisk?" Nori said, incredulously, from the corner of the ledge into which he, Fili, and Ori had all wedged themselves to try and avoid being blown away altogether "I haven't seen weather like this since...since..."

A few steps away, Thorin froze in the process of folding up his map and tucking it away to prevent it getting ripped from his grasp, and turned slowly to look at Balin, as if for confirmation. A nasty thought was beginning to grow in the minds of the eleven dwarves (not to mention one hobbit) present.

All eyes went to the rather nicely designed golden goblet that Bilbo had brought back with him from his first trip into Smaug's lair.

"Oh, you surely don't think that..." Bilbo began, and then trailed off as a low, rumbling noise became audible.

"_The winds were moaning in the night_," quoted Balin, putting into words what everyone had been thinking.

As one, the dwarves all reached for their weapon of choice, which would sound a lot more impressive and intimidating if you hadn't heard Bofur's charming and unfortunately accurate description of Smaug.

You don't call dragons 'The Terrible' unless you really, really mean it.

Nori, who was a great believer in living to fight another day, shifted his grip nervously on his mace. He wasn't very certain at all how much you can do to a giant, fire-breathing and decidedly bad-tempered dragon, when you're wielding what is basically a stick with a lump of metal on the end.

Maybe Kili, who was stringing his bow, might get in a few lucky shots, but as for the others...

They could always throw their swords at Smaug, and maybe annoy him a little, but apart from that, they were hardly equipped for dragon-fighting.

"Er, Thorin," Nori said, edging closer to their leader "Maybe this isn't the time and place to make a stand?"

Thorin, looked at Nori, and then at the others, and then out at the edge of the mountain around which Smaug would no doubt soon be flapping. Then he nodded, lowering Orcrist slightly.

"Into the tunnel," he ordered, now having to yell to make himself heard.

Well, The Company didn't need to be told twice. Fili grabbed Kili by the arm and pushed him forcefully through the opening in the rock, then followed, pulling Bilbo after him. Both Nori and Dori waited until Ori had scrambled to safety, before hastily following. Oin and Gloin went next, followed by Balin and Dwalin and then finally Thorin, dragging Bifur who seemed quite distressed and apt to resist.

As soon as they got into the relative safety of the tunnel's mouth, Bifur grabbed Thorin's arm and began pointing back at the mountainside.

"Yes, Smaug is coming," said Thorin, not really having the patience for this "But he's too large to fit in here."

Bifur growled something and pointed even more urgently.

The others stared at him in bemusement.

"Er...can't anyone understand what he's saying?" asked Bilbo.

"Not really, no," Dori said "That's why Mister Gandalf comes in handy..."

Bifur made a few gestures in his own version of sign language and pointed back at the mountainside again. The other members of the Company were by now getting rather tired of this, and there were a variety of groans and eye-rolls.

Bifur pointed furiously to himself, then held up two fingers. The other dwarves exchanged exasperated expressions. When a dragon, especially one like Smaug the Terrible is hunting for you with murderous intent, the last thing one wants to do is play charades.

"Look, Bifur, can't this wait?" said Gloin.

"Yeah, this is serious."

"We'll deal with it once Smaug's gone..."

"We need Bofur for this sort of thing. He's better at translating," Nori said, before his eyes widened suddenly in comprehension "Bofur! He and Bombur were guarding the ponies! We left them behind!"


End file.
